


Dear Hazel

by elvirakitties



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Fluff, Humor, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-08
Updated: 2017-03-28
Packaged: 2018-09-15 18:16:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,816
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9249872
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elvirakitties/pseuds/elvirakitties
Summary: Severus had to take over the advice column for two weeks while the Professor who normally does it is out.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Trickster32](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Trickster32/gifts), [Peya_Luna](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Peya_Luna/gifts), [Genuka](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Genuka/gifts), [vala411](https://archiveofourown.org/users/vala411/gifts).



Dear Professor Snape (Hazel):

I am in love with someone. They don't love me. They love someone else. What should I do? I can't give him up. He is everything. 

Signed, 

Lost

Lost:

Get a life. So what they don't love you, boo hoo. Stop whining and move on. Make sure your assignments are done or I will take fifty points off of Hufflepuff for this waste of a letter you wrote.

Signed

Professor Snape (Hazel)

Lost looked down at the paper. How did Snape know she was a Puff? She glanced up at the table to see Snape staring at her. She put the paper down and pulled out her potion book and reviewed the chapter for the essay that was due at the end of the week.

Dear Professor Snape (Hazel):

I am wondering about our sixth-year potion course book. I bought the companion book but I am not sure if it's enough. Should I have brought the workbook? Will this affect my grade if I don't have them? What about my assignments? I noticed book 2 and 3 of the series is in the library, should I include them in my library? Should I check with the rest of the Professors to see if they have additional books that I should use in addition to my regular course books? I really just want to try my best.

Signed 

Wondering 

Wondering (Granger), 

If we wanted you to buy those books we would have included them on the list. If you wish to buy them, buy them. Don't come up with some fake debate to get your issue in the paper and inform everyone how important reading is. If they didn't know already by your handing waving and yelling out of answers that you were a know-it-all, they do now. 

Signed 

Professor Snape (Hazel)

Hermione discretely put the paper down. She didn't even bother to look up but could hear a few snorts from people knowing the ones who decided to write in while Professor Landers was away was a bad idea. 

Dear Professor Snape (Hazel):

I am a girl who will be 15 in two months. My mother finally agreed to let me go to the dance alone with a boy. Well, to make a long story short, this boy, who is 17, asked to take me the dance last Friday night. I was so excited because I’ve loved him for a long time. Curfew is twelve-thirty. Well, at exactly twelve-twenty-two we arrived up in front of our house entrance and we started to talk. It was two-ten before we noticed what time it was. We said good-night fast. All we did was talk, and now I have detention for two weeks, so does he. When my mother found out, from my brother, she grounded me for a whole month. Do you think this is fair?

Signed

I Did Nothing Wrong

Miss Weasley or You Know You Are Wrong,

You were aware of the rules, you broke them. It's life, get over it. Be grateful it wasn't me that found you. Five points from Gryffindor.

Signed

Professor Snape (Hazel)

The Gryffindor table groaned as Ginny Weasley started to debate with Granger and Weasley about the column in the paper. They looked around for Potter to stop it, but as usual, the green-eyed teen was sitting next to Snape.

Dear Professor Snape (Hazel):

My best friend asked me who I liked. After a lot of denying I liked anyone, I finally told her, trusting that she wouldn’t tell anyone. Her response was, ‘Eew! You like him?! Next thing I know she is dating him.

Signed

Miserable

Dear Miserable

Get better friends and trust me based on that boy's grades you are better off without him. Really, get some taste. Five points to Slytherin for not wasting my time.

Professor Snape (Hazel)

Millie looked up at the table and saw Professor Snape giving her a raised eyebrow. She nodded her acceptance as she looked at Pansy sitting with Marcus, who again failed to pass. Yes, Professor Snape was right, Marcus wasn't worth it.

Dear Professor Snape (Hazel)

I am in love with two boys and don't know which one I want to marry. First, there's Andy (not his real name) I want to marry. He's funny, smart and talented, he is a businessman and very sincere. Then there's Tony (not his real name). He's funny, smart, talented, a businessman but secretive. They both give me sort of gives me the creeps. But they're awfully nice creeps if you know what I mean. I don't know which one I like best. In the daytime I like Andy but I believe I like Tony better at night. Which one do you think would make the best husband for me? -ANDY OR TONY?

Signed 

Confused

Ms. Bell (Confused)

Marry them both and put us out of our misery. Better yet I will lend you the knut, flip it and pick one. They are twins, so what does it matter. Better yet, talk to your friend, speak to the menaces and get out of my hair. Just avoid their mother.

Professor Snape (Hazel)

Katie and Angelina exchanged looks. They both liked the twins and they knew the twins liked them. They smirked. They were going to be speaking to the twins.

Dear Professor Snape (Hazel):

We are two girls who are having a big argument. She's 16 and I'm 17. She's a virgin and I'm not, and she says a guy can tell whether a girl is a virgin or not by the way she walks. I say a girl doesn't walk any differently after she's gone all the way with a guy than she did before. We'll be looking for your answer. 

Signed:

Waiting

Dear Waiting: 

You can't tell if a girl is a virgin by the way she walks. But you can sometimes tell by the way she TALKS. Ten points from Ravenclaw.

Sally Rollins and Annie Barton exchanged looks, how did Snape know they were in Ravenclaw?

Dear Professor Snape (Hazel):

I've been going steady with this man for six years. We see each other every night. He says he loves me and I know I love him but he never mentions marriage. Do you think he's going out with me just for what he can get?

I Love Him

Dear Make Me Sick:

I don't know. What's he getting? It better not be in the dorms, my classroom or even at Hogwarts. Fifteen points from Hufflepuff for making me lose my afternoon tea.

Professor Snape (Hazel)

"You wrote to him?" A seventh-year leaned toward his girlfriend.

"It's not my letter." They looked down at their table and could see a few people were having a similar conversation that they just had.

Dear Professor Snape (Hazel): 

My boyfriend is going to be twenty years old next month. I'd like to give him something nice for his birthday. What do you think he'd like?

Marsha 

Dear Marsha: 

Never mind what he'd like. Give him a tie.

Professor Snape (Hazel)

Marsha smiled at the response. She would give him just a tie. Just like she was advised. When a parchment appeared in front of her. She opened it. 

"Clothes on, tie in a box." 

SS

She folded the note, nodded her acceptance, and continued reading the paper.

Dear Professor Snape (Hazel):

I have always wanted to have my family history traced but I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions? 

Youngest Boy 

Dear Mr. Weasley: 

I would say run for public office. However, you don't have the brains or charms. Have your girlfriend do it. You will both find your family history. 5 points for not realizing you can to Gringotts and get it done or try asking your family.

Professor Snape (Hazel)

Ron put the paper down, glared at Hermione. "I told you I didn't want to write in."

"We were doing it to encourage Professor Snape." 

Dear Professor Snape (Hazel): 

What inspires you most to write?

Inspiring Writer

Dear Mr. Malfoy: 

The Ministry Department of Taxes, Regulations, and Fines. 5 points to Slytherin for a well thought out question.

Harry laid down the paper, leaned into Severus and said: "next time I want a break from writing I am not asking you to give advice."

"I still get write them next week?" Severus asked he had enjoyed reading the letters and trying to figure out who wrote them. 

"Yes, I promised you that you could. Just remember Albus and Minerva aren't going to be happy with the results."

"Don't worry about them, Albus said he was thinking of giving me my own column. He said something about a what not to do column."

Harry shook his head, he never should have asked Severus to write his column. He took a sip of his pumpkin juice. 

Minerva whispered into Harry's ear as she walked by to leave "be thankful they were mild ones. Albus and I screened them before we gave them to him."


	2. Chapter 2

Harry looked down at the students as the elves delivered the copy of the student newspaper. "I am looking forward to your answers this week." He told Severus.

Severus smirked. He wasn't sure how Harry would take this week's questions. He found the hidden letters that Dumbledore and Minerva had tried to hide from him. He also made sure the first one was one that everyone would enjoy.

 

Dear Professor Snape (Hazel):

I have an old coot with a sugar addiction, how can I cure him?

Tabby cat.

Dear Tabby Cat or better yet, come up with a better nickname.

Do you really have to ask? Just hex his lemon drops or the old coot. We all want to do it. So stop wasting my time.

Professor Snape (Hazel)

Harry had to put his hand over his mouth to cover his laughter. He knew he wasn't the only one. 

 

Dear Professor Snape (Hazel):

I have this meddling, fashion embarrassment who insists he knows best as he drugs everyone with lemon drops. He can't mind his own business either. Always got his nose into everyone's business. What is the safest way to off the man?

Not A Student.

Dear Not A Student or ~~Lord Malfoy~~ :

Stun him, and drop him in the veil. You have access to the Ministry and the Department of Mysteries. Do I need to give you a step by step? I didn't think you were that lacking the brain department.

Just make sure, you have your alibi secured beforehand. I will not provide one for you, neither will Harry.

Professor Snape (Hazel)

"Oh, Minerva, Severus made his own up this week. We will need to make sure to give him more letters." Dumbledore commented to McGonagall. Harry closed his eyes in embarrassment of the man's total ignorance.

 

Dear Professor Snape (Hazel):

Professor Trelawney keeps predicting my death in divination. How can I prevent that from happening?

Fated to Die

Dear Die Already or Lavender Brown:

You know what you're supposed to do. Stop wasting Prof. Trelawney's time--and mine, for that matter--and do it already. I hope to hear of your demise before tea time.

Professor Snape (Hazel)

PS: I would state that anyone who believes Trelawney's prophecies should submit themselves to the Janus Thackery Unit. I will gladly provide the escort service, Mr. Longbottom knows the way. Five points from Gryffindor for believing in the woman in the first place. 

"She does it to everyone, Lavender. Why are you taking it so seriously?" Dean Thomas asked as he peeked over his paper.

"Severus, next time leave Neville out of it." Harry quietly told Severus.

"But it's the truth." Severus replied. At Harry's face, he continued "fine. Take all my fun."

"You know I am not going to do that. I did like the response to Lucius." Harry could see Severus' grin as he used his hair to cover his face so no one else would see he was smiling.

 

Dear Professor Snape (Hazel):

I have this know-it-all so-called friend who needs to be taken down a peg or ten. How can I do this and cause the most damage possible? Her feelings are no object.

Signed Her-mi-nope

Dear Her-mi-nope, or I am not saying:

Tell the girl the truth. Books don't have all the answers. Her handwaving is driving everyone batty. The reason why Gryffindor house is so well rested is due to people falling asleep as she yaps on about some useless information only she thinks is important. The girl is a cure for insomniacs everywhere. Her bossy tone is what is driving every male away from her, except the moron she calls a boyfriend. 

Ten points to Gryffindor, it's about time someone besides me admitted she is a nuisance.

Professor Snape (Hazel)

Harry laughed as he read the response. "So you like my answer to your letter?" Severus asked. 

"Yes, did. I knew you would have such good advice." Harry also knew everyone in Gryffindor would be following that advice.

 

Dear Professor Snape (Hazel):

I can't help being obsessed with the boy wonder. I know my father would never approve, but I just have to get his attention somehow. The things I have tried just don't seem to be working. What would you suggest that might get his attention?

Signed,

An extremely attractive blonde (clearly he should want me already)

 

Dear Soon To Be Extremely Unattractive Corpse or ~~Draco Malfoy, what is it with the Malfoy men, are you stupid?~~

You will cease ogling MY boyfriend now or you will find out just how much you can suffer during a 'tragic accident' during your next potions lesson.

Professor Snape (Hazel)

PS: I mean it Draco. I know how to make you disappear, no trace left. Ten points from Slytherin for not having any self-preservation.

SS

"Draco, do you honestly have a death wish?" Theo asked his friend. 

"I was only doing it as a joke. I didn't think he would take it seriously." Draco wasn't going to look at the Head Table. He knew Severus was just waiting for him to make eye contact. He didn't have that much of a death wish.

"Sure. Everyone knows how much you watch Potter. I'm surprised you haven't experienced an accident." Pansy retorted. "Though it would explain your lack of interest in me if you did."

 

Dear Professor Snape (Hazel):

I'm having issues getting a job. I applied everywhere I could and had others look at my application before I turn them in. I go to the interview dress correctly and do everything I should during the interview. So what am I doing wrong?

Sadly Jobless

Dear Sadly Jobless--You better stop bothering me, Marcus Flint:

Everything. You need to go and buy a brain. One that will actually retain information. You were in your seventh year for three years. That should tell you something. 

Professor Snape (Hazel)

PS: Be grateful your uncle is even allowing you to sweep floors in his shop. It's more than anyone else would be willing to do.

"He is still writing to you?" Harry asked. "I thought I put a ban on his letters?"

"He sent them with to his cousin to give to me. I informed that cousin of the errors of his way." Severus replied.

"Two weeks?" Harry asked.

"Yes, and twenty points. The cousin is in Ravenclaw." 

Dear Professor Snape (Hazel):

I am having issues. I like this girl and I have been trying to get her to notice me, but nothing works. How do I get her attention?

Sincerely,

Helpless

 

Dear Helpless or Nevelle Longbottom:

"You have more than just girl issues. My general advice is to *finally* grow a backbone. You can't hide behind plants all your life.

Professor Snape (Hazel)

PS: Ms. Lovegood is interested.

Severus felt Harry squeeze his leg.

Dear Professor Snape (Hazel):

I have hopelessly in love with our dear Headmaster. His twinkling blue eyes make me swoon and weak inside. And his laugh just makes me shiver with pleasure. What's the best way to make him mine?

Sincerely,  
Age-is-just-a-Number

Dear Ms. Granger:

A lifelong supply of lemon drops, gift wrapped in the gaudiest paper you can find. Fifty points for making me losing my daily intake of food as I read this letter. Another fifty for clearly showing you have no common sense.

Professor Snape (Hazel)

Harry watched the counter hit zero, his face was pale. Severus handed him a stomach soother. "I meant to give that to you before you read that."

Harry drank the potion. "It explains a lot about her." Harry took some water to get rid of the taste of the potion out of his mouth.

Dear Professor Snape (Hazel):

What makes sex so great? All I hear from my classmates how great it is "to hit that piece of ass."

Signed Questioning in Ravenclaw

Dear fifth year Ravenclaws boys:

I will be speaking to you, individually. You know who you are. Saturday, all day, in the Infirmary. Fifty points from Ravenclaw.

Professor Snape (Hazel)

"Ten points from Ravenclaw." Filius' voice rang out. "House meeting after classes tonight." 

"I don't think I have ever seen him upset." Harry commented.

"Neither have I. I already spoke to the one who wrote the letter. It was a first-year boy. He thought it meant a spanking. He believed he had sex already because of it."

Harry laughed. "The poor boy. It's the Smyth boy?" They both looked at the Ravenclaw table and Mr. Smyth was laughing at the fifth year boys, who were now getting an earful from the other members of the Ravenclaw house.

 

Dear Professor Snape (Hazel):

A certain older wizard had offered me a great reward of my own personal choice if I would select his side. He would even bond me directly to him. I only have to bring Dumbledores' head on a silver platter to him. Should I do it? I can't use any potions, my obsession always checks his meals and drinks before digesting anything. I really want him.

Obsessed Fanboy

Dear Obsessed Fanboy,  ~~Pansy Parkinson:~~

You really didn't think you could fool me with the closing. First, Draco doesn't check anything, he is actually adding a personality potion to his food and drink. Second, you would never get near Dumbledore. Third, well the first two are enough.

Professor Snape (Hazel)

PS: Just drag him to Gringotts and marry the annoyance, he won't object.

"That is one way to get rid of them." Minerva commented to Severus. 

"Yes, hopefully, the elf packing their trunks will take them there also." 

Harry didn't even comment, he was too busy watching Pansy and Draco debate the advice. 

 

Dear Professor Snape (Hazel):

I have wanted a pet of my very own for a long time. Every pet I've managed to get bothers everyone else. I can't even keep them, they run away. How can I find a pet that everyone will like as much as I do?

Lonely without fur.

Dear Lonely without fur, Ronald Weasley:

Your rat wasn't a pet, it was a human. That annoyance you call an owl is going to remain banned from Hogwarts. Get a fish, it has the same personality you do.

Professor Snape (Hazel)

"A fish? You do realize I will be the one cleaning the tank and feeding it." Harry commented. "Why do you think I made sure Pig was banned from Hogwarts. I got tired of cleaning up the owl feathers in the dorm room."

"Oops." Severus stated. "Why don't the elves clean up Gryffindor. Nevermind, Granger." He remembered.

"Yes, and Ron is a slob." Harry remarked.

 

Dear Professor Snape (Hazel):

I have plans for world domination. But nobody is willing to listen to my plans. Crucio doesn't work long term. Would liquid Imperio be a suitable alternative?

Powercrazy bookworm.

Dear Ms Granger:

Stop this plan at once. Only sick lunatics would consider world domination. As you got such an idle mind, we do not want you to get used to it. Detention until the end of term with Filch. 

Professor Snape (Hazel)

"He would also kill her." Harry looked at Severus, leaned in closer so only he could hear him. "You did send a copy of this letter to him?"

"Of course. That is his answer, with my detention added." Severus replied.

 

Dear Professor Snape (Hazel):

I have been working for the same man for many years but he doesn't notice me. We're surrounded by these kids all day who have magic but I don't have any. I keep everything working and I even offer to torture these students for him but he refuses. What can I do for him to notice me? And does he like cats?

Hopeless in Hogwarts

Dear Hopeless in Hogwarts:

Get the ugliest colored material made into clothing. Give him a never-ending supply of lemon drops and be prepared to listen to him endless drone about lemon drops and candy. Present yourself to him in this form, and he won't reject you. Have Mrs. Norris bring him a lot of presents, so you can be there to clean them up for him. 

Professor Snape (Hazel)

"I didn't need to read that." Was heard about the Great Hall.

Dear Professor Snape (Hazel):

How do you always have a sarcastic comment ready?

Frustrated

Dear Frustrated:

It's called a brain, use it.

Professor Snape (Hazel)

 

Dear Professor Snape (Hazel):

I´ve been dating this - to me - incredibly handsome, older man for quite some time. My friends still have problems accepting our relationship. I am even an assistant professor. One of them has a little sister that just won´t accept that I´m *not* interested in her. She won't leave me alone, and neither will he. What can I do?

Love You.

Dear Love You. 

Ask me already.

Professor Snape (Hazel)

Harry put down the paper, grabbed Severus' hand and pulled him out of the Great Hall. 


	3. Dear Hazel Week 3

"My Lord, it's here." Rookwood stated as he entered the main dining hall of Slytherin Castle.

The Dark Lord looked at Harry, who was grinning, and Severus, who seemed to be trying not to laugh. He wondered what they had in this week's edition of the advice column. He took the paper and noticed everyone soon had one and were looking for the column.

Dear Hazel (Professor Snape):

What ingredient is the most likely to get me noticed positively by the dark, handsome potions master I see around the castle? For that matter do you have any advice on snagging both him and the green-eyed hunk he is apparently seeing? I have no problem marrying them both.

Sincerely,

Lovestruck

Dear Lovestruck ~~~~or ~~Keep Your Paws to Yourself Fenrir.~~

Back off Mutt. We're taken. Even think of going near him, I will lace everything you eat, drink, or wear with silver.

Professor Snape (Hazel) (Yes, I am doing it again this week. It's my present. I said yes.)

Note from editor:

Assistant Professor Potter added: - Stay away from Severus, he might do it anyway. I had to hide all the Silver Nuggets.

The Dark Lord looked down the table at Fenrir. "They will do it." 

"I know, Harry dusted my bed sheets last night as a warning, after I touched Severus' arm." Fenrir answered as he gave a weary look toward Harry. 

The Dark Lord looked at Harry, who just gave him a slight shrug as if to say, I had to teach him a lesson.

Dear Hazel (Professor Snape):

I have this clumsy friend that is obsessed with plants. He is being pressured by his Grandmother to become an Auror. How do I help him do what he really wants?

Sincerely,

Blond Chaser

Dear Ms. Lovegood:

Just marry Mr. Longbottom, put all of us out of our misery. You know what to do. Once you are married, have him claim his lordship and you can deal with her.

Professor Snape (Hazel)

PS- Don't even think of using my potion ingredients, get your own.

"Oh, I wonder if she will take your advice?" Narcissa grinned. She hated Lady Longbottom with a passion.

"We can only hope." Lucius answered.

Dear Hazel (Professor Snape):

A pair of Demon twins asked for my help in setting up a trap in the castle. Where would you recommend I set it up?

Sincerely,

Terrified Accomplice

Dear Terrified Accomplice or ~~Lee Jordan:~~

Don´t even THINK of pranking anywhere near my dungeon or there will be HELL to pay. Now that being said, please free to prank your fellow Gryffindors, I won't even take points if you do. Feel free to prank your fellow students in the following locations: 

First floor: 

Behind the group of armor, there is a small room that students like to use for more than a snog. They won't notice a thing. There is also a closed closet that is never locked and also used for snogging. 

Second Floor:

A certain staff area is never watched between the hours of 6 AM to 8 AM, ignore the lingering smell of a certain herb.

Seventh floor: 

The area near the ROR is never watched and a lot of ~~staff~~ students like to meet there. 

Professor Snape (Hazel)

Editor note: Map is on page 5.

Harry lowered the paper, looked at Severus. "You should have mentioned behind the gargoyle."

"That is our spot to set up the pranks." Severus answered. "Did you see him all dressed in black with the corset on?"

"I did. I got pictures." Harry laughed. "Was it Minerva's corset you used?"

"Yes, she thinks he went through her wardrobe. She was chasing him around in her cat form." Severus answered. "I got the blackmail material." 

Everyone started laughing.

Dear Hazel (Professor Snape):

We wish to surprise a certain elderly gentleman and dye his beard to match his colorful robes. Do normal hair dyes work on facial hair too? What would be the best method? 

Pranksters for Life

Dear Terror Twins:

There are numerous ways to do this. You can coat his lemon drops, charm his chair, quills, and clothes. Use a good reliable house elf to wash his clothes in the potion. You might want to add an animation charm as well. There are just so much you can do, I will tell you what, come and seek me out during my office hours for help to make it a really colorful experience for him.

Professor Snape (Hazel)

Harry glanced over to Severus, he was ignoring a snickering Dark Lord to his left. "This isn't going to be seen by Dumbledore?"

"No, I arranged to have certain parts of letters changed to be viewed as things like my cat is getting hairballs, or my dog keeps chasing Mrs. Norris."

"You are going to have to teach me that spell."

"I will, but only if you promise to let me help with the letters." Severus gave him an innocent look.

"You know I was going to anyways." 

Dear Hazel (Professor Snape):

I've been in love with this boy for many years. I thought he loved me back but suddenly he's dating someone whom he originally hated and for good reason. How do I make him understand he's wrong for him?

Concerned friend

Dear Concerned Friend or ~~You will die horribly, Miss Weasley~~ ~~:~~

Miss Weasley, you are in no way a concerned friend. You are, however, an obsessive attention seeking little spoiled little whiner. You need to seek the advice of a mind healer and stop chasing after what was never yours. I mean it, Miss Weasley, go near him again and they will be picking up your pieces from all over the globe.

Professor Snape (Hazel)

"She is never going to leave him alone." Bella said to Narcissa.

"I believe we can help in that area, sister." Narcissa grinned.

"I am worried." Harry whispered.

"Why?" Severus asked.

"Bella and Narcissa are talking about taking care of Ginny."

"Bella, Cissy, let me know if you need any help." Severus told them, which both women nodded their agreement. Harry knew the three of them would need to be watched. 

Dear Hazel (Professor Snape):

I bred a flobber worm with a niffler and got a litter of overgrown caterpillars who keep stealin me under-britches. My bits are chafin' sumthin' FIERCE! What's a under-britches-less wizard to do? Help me. 

Animal Luvin Man

Dear Hagrid:

See Poppy for the problem concerning the chafing. In the future do not attempt to breed anything. EVER. I mean it, Hagrid. No more dragons, no more three-headed dogs, no more griffins, no more anything bigger than a muggle house cat.

Professor Snape (Hazel)

PS: ALBUS THIS IS WHY WE NEED A REAL MAGICAL CREATURE PROFESSOR. 

"He is still a professor?" The Dark Lord asked. "He is a third-year dropout, how is that even possible?"

"It's Dumbledore." Harry replied. That clearly explained everything as no one added anything.

Dear Hazel (Professor Snape):

What are your thoughts about including muggle technology at Hogwarts? I know we have to keep the worlds separate for our safety. I think it would be a great idea to keep up with what is going on in that world just to make sure we don't get caught.

Contemplating an Apple

PS: Is it true that your boyfriend's archenemy destroyed your laptop? How did you get it to work on campus?

Dear Contemplating an Apple 

Have you been sleeping for the last three months? The entire third floor has been wired for muggle technology. We even announced at the Welcoming Feast. Five points from Gryffindor for being permanently asleep.

Professor Snape (Hazel)

PS-Archenemy, do you think life is a comic book? No don't answer that, from your question alone I should have realized the answer.

"Dean?" Harry asked.

"No, Mr. Finnegan."

"You sure? He is usually too drunk to even read a comic book."

"It was his writing, but Mr. Thomas could have dared him." Severus answered.

"That makes more sense." 

Dear Hazel (Professor Snape):

There are rumors that you're a vampire. Does that mean you sparkle in the sunlight, too?

Sunny Sunshine.

Dear Sunny Sunshine or ~~Oh, Great Clueless One, Hannah Abbott~~

Once and for all for you, and all of the other clueless Hufflepuffs. I'm not a Vampire. And Vampires do not sparkle. 50 Points from Hufflepuff.

Professor Snape (Hazel)

PS-Stop reading that stupid drivel. If I see anyone wearing a Team Edward or Team Jacob piece of clothing I will give you a month of detention.

Editors note: Assistant Professor Potter added that he suggests you read real vampire novels.

"That rumor again?" Lucius asked.

"Yes, and the worse part is Harry keeps flying around in his bat form when I am out patrolling the halls." Severus glared at Harry.

"You follow me too." Harry said.

"No one sees me." Severus replied.

"It's not my fault your a scorpion." Harry replied. "Besides, you know you like-"

Severus covered his mouth as everyone started to snicker.

Dear Hazel (Professor Snape):

I want to get more pictures of my hero but he hasn't been doing anything lately. Now he has this older boyfriend. How would you suggest I get pictures of them together? Any neat places to hide?

Signed,

Shutterbug

Dear Shutterbug or ~~~~~~Either of the Creevey Brothers:~~

Try it and die. There won't be anything left for them to bury you unless they want to bury potion phials.

Professor Snape (Hazel)

"You could do what I have been doing." Harry stated.

"Something painful?" Bella asked.

"No, I have been exposing their film, so all of their pictures come out black." Harry answered. "Takes care of them not being able to show their muggles relatives."

"No spell?" Severus asked.

"It is a spell, it was one I got from Filius. I can show you later."

Dear Hazel (Professor Snape):

I used to drink sherry but it doesn't do it for me anymore. Is there a type of alcohol you suggest? I need something to help sharpen my inner third eye or whatever.

Signed,

Unseen Seer

PS I foresee your death. It's unavoidable.

Dear Unseen Seer or ~~Hack~~

May I suggest you use a large, freshly sharpened quill (Deleted by the Editors for being too graphic).

The Dark Lord started laughing. Harry was giggling, he couldn't help it. The rest of the Death Eaters present were trying to figure out what Severus could have written that the editors wouldn't print it.

"That hack needs to be fired." Severus muttered.

Dear Hazel (Professor Snape):

My wife is completely obsessed with our Lord. She tried everything to get into his pants. How can I stop her?

Horned Husband 

Dear Horned Husband:

Merlin, are you really so daft Lestrange? Sedate her, and use a chastity belt on her. Commit her to Janus Thackery Ward. She can be the new best friend of that blond ponce, Lockhart. One and for all, I'm not your marriage counselor. You also know he isn't interested in her. I lost my breakfast, thanks.

Professor Snape (Hazel)

When there wasn't a reaction from Bella, the Dark Lord leaned a bit forward and asked, "charmed?"

"Yes, which is why Rod, Bast, and Barty mentioned an afternoon trip." Severus answered.

"Good." 

Dear Hazel (Professor Snape):

I do love my boyfriend, his red hair and freckles, yum. But he doesn't like to study at all. How can I inspire him to do more for school?

Lovestruck Teenager ~~~~

Dear Miss Granger:

STOP it now. Carrot and stick - rings a bell. You have to only find a way to motivate him, simple for Weasel, I mean Wesley, really any Weasley. Food and Sex. For the latter option, don't forget: Slot A has to go into Slot B. Grow up, girl.

50 Points from Gryffindor for not being able to use common sense.

Professor Snape (Hazel)

PS I would give you a detention for all of the annoying questions but have found it's been a great way to relieve stress by taking points from Gryffindor because of your useless questions. 

"Charmed that last part?"

"Yes. Only those who know the truth will see it." 

Harry grinned. "She has another letter already submitted doesn't she?"

"I have four from her before the end of the first day." 

Dear Hazel (Professor Snape):

Is it true? Can you get pregnant from kissing? There is this boy-wonder I like, but he never even tried to kiss me. Is a kiss enough to carry his babies? 

Sheltered Daughter

Dear Sheltered Daughter or ~~Who do you think you are fooling, Miss Weasley?~~

Did you have a lobotomy some years ago? Perhaps there is another medicinal reason, why your brain isn't working correctly? First, I will address the sheer idiocy that is asked. KISSING is not responsible for becoming pregnant. Second, if that statement was even slightly true, then Hogwarts would be flooded with hapless offspring of students. Pregnant students would be rampant. If you have ANY questions, ASK Madame Pomfrey for the talk, or even better ask Mrs. Molly Weasley, the living embodiment of motherhood. 

Now to address you. We all know you have done more than kissing a boy. I caught you buck naked with a certain drunk from Gryffindor house. If you don't know how a baby is created then you shouldn't be working so hard to create one. Now stop wasting my time with such idiotic questions.

Professor Snape (Hazel)

"I thought you caught her with Justin from Hufflepuff?" Harry asked.

"I did but she only had her skirt lifted. I figured her with Mr. Finnegan was a better image." 

Harry nodded his agreement.

Dear Hazel (Professor Snape):

Why do you have a Dante quote over the entrance to your classroom?

Classical Booklover

Dear Classical Booklover or ~~~~~~Yes, she is asking another pointless question~~

Miss Granger, are you capable of using your brain? Have you given up on expanding your limited use of a personality? Has the new relationship with Mr. Weasley led to a higher mortality rate of your brain cells? It would explain a great deal if that is so. Even you should be able to understand it, welcome to a hellish afterlife.

Professor Snape (Hazel)

PS Ten points for making me read your drivel.

"I think she likes being insulted by Severus." Lucius commented to Rookwood.

"I agree. You know she has been putting in applications to the Ministry and honestly expects to start up in a high-level position. She actually applied for a supervisory position in the Creature Registration Department."

"She has already been denied all of the positions she has applied for. I didn't even have to mention it to anyone, her attitude was the reason." Lucius informed everyone.

Dear Hazel (Professor Snape):

Which love potion would be the best to get and keep someone in love with you for the long term?

Lady in Waiting

Dear Lady in Waiting or ~~Cho Chang~~

Leave Oliver Wood alone. He isn't interested in you, you Quidditch love fanatic. Stay away from my potion labs too. If I find any missing ingredients, I am coming straight for you.

Ten points from Ravenclaw for stalking a former student.

Professor Snape

PS Not to mention his boyfriend Viktor Klum would do to you.

"I thought that was Weaslette when I first read the letter." Harry stated, and several agreed with him.

"No, it was Ms. Chang, she has a very interesting way of writing." Severus answered. 

Dear Hazel (Professor Snape):

Whats the best way to avoid traps by manipulative old goats? I don't want to take over the world but Wizarding Britain will do nicely. I can avoid the fashion prison escapee.

Flight from Mortis

Dear My Lord:

There is no need to worry about traps from old goats, as the old goat has been having problems with his lemon drops. We have also submitted his name to a few fashion makeover muggle tv shows. He is going to be spending the summer in the muggle world. We have submitted the expense report on that. You will find it in your stack of paperwork.

Professor Snape (Hazel)

"Yes, I signed off on it. Are you sure those shows will keep him busy?" The Dark Lord asked.

"Yes, we already arranged for a world trip, all expenses paid by the Society for Prevention of Fashion Mistakes. They agreed as they wanted to educate the older generation." Harry answered.

"The muggles have a society for that?" Narcissa asked.

"No, we created one. We raised money for it by selling some of our more creative baked good." Severus answered.

"What he means is, we went to a few different concerts. We set up booths outside of different venues and when the muggles left the concerts, most were stoned so they cleaned us out on the baked goods. We made a killing." Harry answered. "So we hired ten muggles to keep doing it all year."

Dear Hazel (Professor Snape):

I was forced into a marriage contract to a crazy bitch who is just plain scary and is in love with another man, who is just as scary. Honestly, he is more than welcome to her, but how the hell do I get myself out of being married to her?

Scared

Dear Scared ~~Ratboy~~

For Merlin's sake Peter, just stay in your human form, instead of being a rat, and she might have time to actually serve you with the divorce papers. I know Yaxley has been trying for months to catch you. 

Professor Snape

PS Yaxley, talk to our Lord, maybe Nagini has an idea on how to catch the rat

"I believe she ate him last night." The Dark Lord commented. "Gave her an upset stomach too."

"Couldn't have happened to a nicer guy." Harry muttered. 

Dear Hazel (Professor Snape):

How can I hurt this crackpot who doesn't have any sense of fashion? He always lied about me. He doesn't scare me. I want to show him, that I'm more powerful than he will ever be.

Misunderstood Orphan

Dear Misunderstood Orphan 

Trust me you are hurting the crackpot.

Professor Snape

"Why thank you, Severus." The Dark Lord smiled.

"You know I wrote that?" Harry asked.

"Yes, I am aware. I gave my answer based on that." 

Dear Hazel (Professor Snape):

Does Paperwork breed?

Lazy Lemon Drop

Dear Lazy Lemon Drop:

How would you even know? Minerva and I are the ones who do it. All you do is read the student stupid questions and try to hide them from me.

Professor Snape

Harry snickered.

Dear Hazel (Professor Snape):

Why does nobody fear me?

Clueless Sidekick

Dear Clueless Sidekick or ~~Useless Sidekick:~~

Pettigrew, that is an easy question. Even a teething toddler is a scarier opponent that you will ever be. Your own shadow is scarier than you, you run from it enough. You're only a part of his group because we know laughing is good for our health. You're the perfect target for new ideas, spells, pranks, and completing those mindless everyday tasks that need to be done. 

Professor Snape (Hazel)

"I will need to find someone else to do that stuff for me."

"May I suggest Draco, my Lord. He is eager to serve you." Lucius stated.

Harry leaned close to the Dark Lord. "It is really all Draco is good for." 

"I agree." The Dark Lord responded. "Yes, send Draco to me as soon as he is finished with Hogwarts until then he can attend to me during the weekend and holidays."

Dear Hazel (Professor Snape):

I'm confused. I started to bleed every month, but I haven't been injured. What can I do to stop it?

Bleeding Student

Dear Bleeding Student

See Madam Pomfrey. Don't listen to the advice of your friends.

"Severus?" Harry looked a bit sick.

"I had no choice. Poppy handed me the letter and demanded I put it in or she would find some creative healing methods to use on me next time I was injured."

"So a student really didn't write this?"

"No, it's part of that new sexual awareness thing." Severus answered. "They want to make sure to keep the students informed."

Dear Hazel (Professor Snape):

Why does everyone hates my rock cakes?

Confused Cook.

Dear Hagrid:

Nobody hates your rock cakes. They are really useful. They make the perfect tools to defend against noisy opponents. I have used them to ground potion ingredients, filling in the holes in the dungeons after a potion explosion. You, however, have to keep in mind, not everyone has your genes and strong teeth. Might I suggest a cooking course? I am sure we all could benefit from that.

Professor Snape (Hazel)

"He gave me more before we left on holiday." Harry told him.

"I am aware. They are being used as target practice down in the dueling room."

Dear Hazel (Professor Snape):

Why aren't we allowed to go to Greenhouse 5?

Devoted Herbology Students

Dear Devoted Plant Lovers:

STAY AWAY FROM GREENHOUSE 5. If we find any student near there, all the staff have agreed it will be a suspension, plus a three-month detention. Don't even think of setting a toe in the greenhouse.

Professor Snape

"You know it's going to make them go there."

"Yes, and we already moved the plants to the new greenhouse. One no one will be able to see it as it is going to be under a Fidelius Charm." Severus answered.

"I didn't think the staff took their pot smoking that seriously." Rookwood stated.

"You deal with over 400 screaming brats and see what you do to relax, besides drinking." Severus answered.

Dear Hazel (Professor Snape):

Why do we have a ghost as a professor?

Hapless Students

Dear Hapless Students or ~~Ravenclaw House~~

You have a ghost for a professor because the old goat (read Dumbledore for those aren't affected by the charm) is too lazy to actually find a decent professor. Haven't the numerous professors in the DADA position shown you that. Five points for each year from Ravenclaw for such an insipid question.

Dear Hazel (Professor Snape):

How can I impress my boss? I'm better than the crazy bint who tries to get into his pants. I'm better looking and a man. Shouldn't it be enough to get his attention?

Legally Blonde

Dear Blondie ~~or either of the Malfoy men.~~

Get over it, he isn't interested. 

Professor Snape

"I didn't write that." Lucius looked pleadingly at his wife.

Narcissa grinned. "It's fine darling." Lucius looked scared now.

The Dark Lord watched them for a few seconds and whispered to Severus "do I need to start warding my bedroom doors again?"

"I believe it would be a good idea." 

"It would. Cissy and Alex are moving forward in their relationship." Harry explained.

The most feared Dark Lord looked horrified that Lucius might be free to try and pursue him. He was finally getting rid of one stalker from that family.

Dear Hazel (Professor Snape):

My friend's little sister keeps coming to me for hexes and I continue to tell her no should I be worried that she brought a voodoo doll of my potions teacher?

Forever Afraid

PS Please don't owl my mom

Dear Forever Afraid or Mr. Weasley:

Don't worry, I have already taken care of your sister. Those voodoo dolls are already handled.

Professor Snape

"What did you do to them?" Harry wondered when Ginny Weasley would learn. 

"Each one she goes to use will make her more and more like her mother." Severus grinned. He had added a weight gaining curse to each voodoo doll. He also added an acne curse, a fertility curse with the compulsion to shag the closest looking red-hair person who wasn't a Weasley.

Dear Hazel (Professor Snape):

My husband, a modest Ministry man (I ignore the Muggle fixation) and I have a gaggle of wizards (and a witch) who attract madness and mayhem wherever they go.

My eldest is holed up with a harpy who sprouts wings when she's angry and causes all the younger, well, let's call them Weasel, men to mindlessly drool in her presence when they are not blindly following in her wake. I warned and warned him about her, but he doesn't listen to me.

My second born is in Romania, cavorting with dragons (there are those damned wings again) and refusing to settle down. He comes home dressed like a vagabond. He has a tattoo, I just know he does. I won't even mention all the tramps who have tried to use my poor boy.

My third born is a Ministry boot-licker who gets off on licking boots laced with venom. I wanted so much more for him. Honestly, he just doesn't see his problems. He needs to get away from certain people in the Ministry and come back to his family, where he belongs. 

My fourth and fifth born are a matched set, who only consider it a good day if there have been at least three explosions. It's amazing they've lived this long. They actually opened their own ludicrous business. They are wasting away their talent. They won't even try to get their NEWTs.

My sixth born is dating a brainiac with bushy hair who I am CONVINCED is studying to become the first Dark Lady. Weasels are supposed to be smart, but when he's around her, he's as dumb as a tree stump. I am pretty sure there is boot licking here, too. He lets her boss him around. I have no idea why. 

And my daughter, she's Bat Chit Crazy scary. She is pining after a walking disaster magnet with a lightning bolt on his forehead. This walking disaster is dating a Potions GENIUS. Not just a Potion Master but a freaking genius. He can and would use an untraceable poison her AND manage to get an Order of Merlin for doing so. I mean, I wouldn't miss her Bat-Bogey Hex, neither would anyone else, but I AM her Mother.

So, what should my Husband and I do? We Wizarding folks live a really long time, should we just start on a new litter of Weasels? We want our children to be and want more for them, like a good low to middle-level Ministry positions. Should we just let the first set fend for themselves?

Should we breed Kneazel hybrids and wash our hands of our brood? At least with Kneazels, you know going into it that they won't listen to you, no cat ever does. Any thoughts?

Signed, Mia Farrow and Angelina Jolie Ain't Got Nuthin' On Me

Dear Mrs. Weasley:

Leave your oldest five alone. They are actually worth something productive with their lives. You should be happy they aren't like your last two. Your youngest son is a first class idiot and that is giving idiots a bad name. He needs the self-proclaimed brain to tell him what to do, or he would just sit and eat all day. Your daughter will learn her lesson and leave my Harry along.

Professor Snape

WARN: DO NOT breed anymore. The Magical world couldn't take any more Weasleys that are like your last two.

Harry blinked a few times, no one spoke. Harry decided to ignore Mrs. Weasley's letter.

Dear Hazel (Professor Snape):

Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? If the other Ravenclaws know, they're not telling, and Hagrid is clueless. And why must I be wearing a bikini bottom to find him? Please help me, I must find this elusive creature before the next edition of The Quibbler.

Sincerely, Crumple-Horned Snorkacks are REAL

PS Read all about them in this month's Quibbler

Dear Miss Lovegood

You are insane. Spongebob Squarepants is an American Muggle cartoon about an equally insane kitchen sponge, not a nature documentary. Even Hagrid knows that, which is why he, and the entire faculty, now owe me twenty galleons a piece.

Getting basic cable for the student common rooms, best idea I ever had.

Miss Lovegood, I hope your last name describes a talent you possess because you'll never make a living off your academic prowess. Neither will you, Miss Granger. You have nothing to do with this, but I felt the need to tell you that. Again. Dump the Weasel, develop some original ideas, and maybe you will escape this destiny. Why I even bother, I know you won't listen to me.

Professor Snape (a/n I have no idea who Spongebob is, I don't have cable)

Harry looked at Severus. "These weren't made up?"

"Sadly, no."


	4. Chapter 4

Harry and Severus were back at Hogwarts. They were returning from their winter holiday and ready for the new term. Harry and Severus exchanged looks as the owls dropped off the newspapers.

Dear Professor Snape (Hazel):  
Today my friends attempted to teach me about a muggle drug. Marijuana? I really don't know but how many points will I lose if I smoke it? I've lost enough as is and don't want my parents to get a letter either.

Signed,

Forever clueless

  
Dear Forever Clueless:

Buy a clue or two. You idiot. You will be expelled if I catch you or anyone with marijuana, or any other drug. You also don't go around telling the staff you are interested in drugs. 10 points from Hufflepuff.

Professor Snape (Hazel)

Warning: Just because you have the word puff in your house name, doesn't mean you are required to puff.

Harry arched an eyebrow at Severus. "Don't worry, Minerva caught him and gave it to me for baking some brownies." Harry grinned.

  
Dear Professor Snape (Hazel):

I've tried everything I can think of but there's a classmate that keeps making our house look bad. I'm not going to name names but it's their fault we are now in the negatives. How can I prevent us from being in last place?

Signed,

A Frustrated Lion

  
Dear Gryffindor House:

Take her quill away from her, hide her parchment, ward her away from the Owlery. Ms. Pince has the required books reserved under your name. Every time she starts frantically waving her hand, charm it invisible. Professor Flitwick is willing to teach the charm. If you are successful and use it in my class I will give points.

Professor Snape (Hazel)

"You know I know the spell." Harry stated.

"Yes, and I expect you to use it today during potions, I will not give any other lion points." Severus informed his boyfriend.

  
Dear Professor Snape (Hazel):

I think my familiar thinks she's my mother. She's always nagging me when I'm working (read playing chess) about not getting enough food and sleep. I'm a grown man, I can take care of myself. How can I make her stop?

Signed,

Not-a-Child

  
Dear Not-a-Child:

You clearly must need the help or she wouldn't be acting like that. No one's familiar is going to want to be near an idiot and she is preventing you from being one. Be grateful she even cares about you, you lazy brat. I have been stuck reading your sloppy assignments. I know the only reason you don't sleep in my class is that you know I will use you for potion ingredients. 5 points for well, you know the reason.

  
Professor Snape (Hazel)

Harry looked down at the Gryffindor table and eyed Ron Weasley. The boy was getting lazier and lazier. He knew that Granger was doing most of his work for him and Pig needed something to keep her from Weaslette. "How bad?"

"If he doesn't smarten up, he will be here next year."

Harry's eyes went big. "I will get Granger to ride him. I don't want my first year teaching with him in my classes."

"Don't blame you, if I could get away with removing him from potions without the old goat bothering me I would."

  
Dear Professor Snape (Hazel):

I saw a copy of your article in the paper my daughter brought home over the holiday. (Really I thought she wasn't supposed to leave those items around the house in... what is it that you call us again... yes the Muggle world.). I thought it would be best to write to you because God knows my "sophomoric" and "misinformed" (her words, not mine) understanding is preventing me from understanding the great importance of her future plans. The girl truly believes that she is better than everyone in my world and yours, and my husband and my daughter's headmaster encourage these delusions. Is there a way you can get through to my daughter? I never wanted her to be like this. Ever since I divorced her father for cheating on me with his dental colleague three years before my daughter entered into your world she became spoiled and pretentious. Please help.

Sincerely,

Too mundane to be a mother

  
Dear Mrs. Granger or the former Mrs. Granger:

Sadly, it's too late, she is going to need to learn for herself. I would suggest trying to get your husband to stop allowing her to live here for free. The girl doesn't have a job, any type of responsibility and with her attitude, she won't last in any job she manages to get. Though with her aiming for jobs that are well above her level, she will be freeloading off of your ex-husband for the rest of her life, with her moronic boyfriend tagging along for the ride. My best advice is to remove her from here.

Professor Snape (Hazel)

They heard Granger frustrated growl, Harry and Severus watched her slam the paper down, causing the plates and goblets to shake. She stood up, glared at Severus, before grabbing her bag and leaving.

"You know she is going to be writing a lot of letters to us." Harry warned.

"No, I banned her letters."

"Good." Harry replied.

Dear Professor Snape (Hazel):

Do you know if we can implement a sex education class or seminar or something? I'm sick of all the girls in my dorm and in my year moaning and groaning about being late after they have had unprotected sex. Plus some of them listen to that wild-haired girl when she tells them that a "simple charm" will protect them from getting pregnant. First off there isn't anything simple about that charm and I read up on it; it doesn't prevent against any STDs.

Sincerely,

Seeking Sanity

Dear Normal Girl:

We have been trying, but a certain old man believes that everyone is pure, light, and that love is the answer. (I think I am going to be sick.) Why else do you think he is encouraging that "wild-haired girl" to spread that charm? Her boyfriend's sister tries to snag my boyfriend. Seek out Madam Pomfrey she will teach you a charm to scare them straight.

Professor Snape (Hazel)

"Is Poppy going to make the girls think they are pregnant?" Harry asked.

"Yes, but with triplets. She figures that they might be fine with one, but three or more will scare them to death. Also, she was wondering if you could get Molly Weasley to talk about raising her seven children, provide her with the memory."

"That would certainly scare anyone." Harry answered.

  
Dear Professor Snape (Hazel):

I saw your article in my younger half-brother's trunk when he came home from Hogwarts for his break. I am deeply worried for my little brother because he was bullied by multiple people at Hogwarts throughout his time there. I had little ability to interfere as his mother never allowed me to visit and our father was abusive. As you might have guessed, I am non-magical, but I deeply love my brother. As an adult, I've tried my best to combat the self-doubt my brother has, but I know I'm fighting a losing battle when his headmaster insists on him returning to our abusive father and his negligent mother. Is there a way I can get him into counseling? Or help him get support in your world?

Sincerely,

Helpless but determined

PS- I thank you ahead of time for your help. I know you will give me the facts being as blunt and concise as you are.

Dear Helpless but Determined:

You should be receiving a visitor soon. Don't worry, he won't harm you. He will be bringing you some paperwork, you just need to sign it. He is going to want to see your memories, he will explain it. Your brother will be under your guardianship by the end of the month.

Professor Snape (Hazel)

PS He might bring two others with him as witnesses, but they won't harm you.

Harry frowned, he looked at Severus. "The Dark Lord wants to handle it personally. It's a second-year Ravenclaw, someone that supports Dumbledore."

Harry looked at the Ravenclaw table and knew who Severus meant. They had been concerned about the smaller boy. "Who is he going to bring with him?

"Rookwood and Narcissa. He wants Narcissa to check the brother from abuse too."

"So I can prank the old man?" Harry asked. "I am sure the twins will love to help."

"Yes, I also have a few things you might want to use."

  
Dear Professor Snape (Hazel):

Is there a mile high club in the Wizarding world?

Sincerely,

Looking for a new high

  
Dear Idiot:

A mile high club in the Wizarding World? Why do you think magic carpets were banned, and brooms don't come built for that type of action. Ten points from Gryffindor for being idiots. I know it was Thomas, Finnigan, and Weasley who wrote this letter.

Professor Snape (Hazel)

Dean exchanged looks with his dorm mates. "I knew we should have used that concealment charm."

  
Dear Professor Snape (Hazel):

I am a renown seer, with great skill in the accuracy of my predictions. Yet, no one takes me seriously! How can I get these idiots to realize my greatness?

Signed,

Sees all and knows all

  
Dear Ms. Lovegood:

There are people who do. The best seers are always underestimated.

Professor Snape (Hazel)

  
"Thank you, Severus."

  
Dear Professor Snape (Hazel):

I really think children should be seen and not heard and thought discipline in the strictest sense. I really prefer cats to those little beasts. I have been given permission to use a special quill during detention to help sink such lesson deeply into their flesh. It works so far, except for one defiant little miscreant. What method of discipline would you suggest be used keep him and others like him in line with the values the Ministry and our Great Minister wish to instill in our youths today?

Signed,

Humble Servant

 ~~Humble Servant~~ or The Totally Nuts Dolores Umbridge:

 ~~Expect company of the most unwelcome kind~~. That defiant little miscreant, as you call him, is mine. Leave him alone."

Professor Snape (Hazel)

"Isn't she still in the Infirmary from the last potion you gave her?" Harry asked.

"Yes, and she is going to remain there until we can get her gone. I am not sure how or why Dumbledore has allowed her to return."

Dear Harry Potters Hazel:

Bad fuzzy keeps leaving clothes and hatsies around cat house. She being mean. Hows we gets her to stop? She beings trying to kills us!

This being Dobby!

  
Dear Dobby:

We have tried and tried. The girl just doesn't want to listen. Now in order to aid us, how about you don't do any of her laundry, changing her sheets, even delivering her food. Instead, allow her the opportunity to learn what you do. Also, don't worry about those items, let the cats use them to sleep on, give them to Mrs. Norris, Minerva, and the other cats. There is a whole office full of cat plates that need warm cozy comfortable things for cats.

Professor Snape (Hazel)

Harry grinned. "Dobby is going to fill her office."

  
Dear Professor Snape (Hazel):

Boys avoid me because I'm a big girl. I'm not fat, just big boned. But I like girly things like flowers and moonlight walks, but boys don't see me that way. How can I get the boys in this school to see the real me ( or I'll twist their heads off)?

Sincerely,

The Bull

  
Dear Bull:

First, you don't need to change. Second, there are a few people who are interested in you, in your own house. Third, see Ms. Greengrass for help in identifying them, she will keep your secrets. Ten points to Slytherin for a relevant question.

"I think Greg would be better for her." Harry muttered.

"Greg is working with Daphne." Severus replied.

  
Dear Professor Snape (Hazel):

My snake has started stalking the only other person who can understand her. When I asked why she said something about making sure the hatchling finds a proper mate. She also said something about finding me a mate. Help?

Sincerely,

Cornered Serpent Tamer

  
Dear Cornered Serpent Tamer:

He has a mate, she is trying to find him a snake familiar. However, regarding you, well, let's say Harry and her have been combing through the list of potentials. It doesn't look good for you. They are very determined, so I would suggest you find someone fast.

Professor Snape (Hazel)

PS: Don't worry it's not a Malfoy or Bella.

"Actually I was thinking Poppy or Minerva." Harry sighed.

"I already have a date with him." Minerva smirked. "I cornered him last night, while he was sneaking away from the meeting with the Board of Governors."

"He said yes?" Severus was surprised.

"Of course, he was in my year, and we dated a few times during our sixth year." Minerva sipped her tea. "He is the reason Albus is in a lousy mood. He got a few more classes returned."

"Good." Harry replied.

  
Dear Professor Snape (Hazel):

Our mum is trying to control our lives. How can we get her to leave us alone without breaking her heart or facing her howling wrath?

Sincerely,

5 Frustrated Redheads

  
Dear Useless Endeavors:

While I do applaud your actions in trying to break away, I am regretful in that I must tell you that she will never allow you to break away. No matter where you are. She is like the black cloud of death, always hanging around.

Professor Snape (Hazel)

"That is adapt." Filius stated.

"Harry's metaphor."

  
Dear Professor Snape (Hazel):

I am powerful and attempting to fix the damage done to our world by a severe fashion challenged old goat. The problem is that I have somehow gained fans. They won't leave me alone! I want a spouse and children but I can't get past the fans to find someone who will match me and help prevent my sanity from slipping (again). Any ideas? I'm fresh out.

Sincerely,

Darkest Confusion

  
Dear Darkest Confusion:

Minerva will keep you straight and the fans away. You could also use Bella as crowd control. She has been very bored with no one to torment.

Professor Snape (Hazel)

"So not going to go into the realm of possibilities." Harry muttered. "I didn't even want to know about him and Minerva dating."

  
Dear Professor Snape (Hazel):

There is this gorgeous green-eyed wizard who is our brother and lord in every way but blood and oath. How might we prove this to him, not get cursed by his boyfriend, and get it all legally recognized?

Sincerely,

Loyal Gemini

Dear Loyal Gemini:

I wouldn't worry about him, I would worry about your mother finding out. She will go howler crazy. I don't want to spend a month listening to her sending my boyfriend howlers, not to mention your equally demented sister. (See me in private.)

Professor Snape (Hazel)

"Is that why we are meeting them this weekend at Riddle Manor?"

"Yes."

  
Dear Professor Snape (Hazel):

My green-eyed fiancee loves Treacle Tart. Will anything in that have a bad interaction with the strongest love potion known?

Sincerely,

Little Red

~~Dead~~ Little Red:

Try it and they won't find your body, ever.

Professor Snape (Hazel)

  
"Is that why she has gained 20 pounds during the holidays?" Harry had noticed, as well as everyone else that Ginny Weasley couldn't fit into her clothes and was now wearing her brothers until her mother could get her more.

"Yes."

  
Dear Professor Snape (Hazel):

How can I prevent stalking? My boyfriend said I'm not allowed to kill them. But he would help me to get rid of the remains.

Signed,

Sad Stalking Victim.

  
Dear Assistant Professor Potter:

They will learn.

Professor Snape (Hazel)

"Severus, I didn't write that letter." Harry pointed out.

"No, you didn't. I did. Think of it has their warning notice."

"Why?"

"Because I had fourteen, yes, fourteen letters from Ms. Weasley, five from her mother, and I won't even mention the oddball ones just this week from girls wanting to find a way to dose you with a love potion or get you away from me." Severus snarled.

"Love, they can't. We will be married at the end of the year, and no one is going to change that." Harry squeezed his hand and touched the engagement ring that Severus wore.

  
Dear Professor Snape (Hazel):

We do have this frustrating Know-It-All in our courses. She is a pain in the neck for everyone and one of the worst teacher's pet I ever met. Would it be so bad, when we throw her from the Astronomy Tower?

Signed,

Kill-joy

Dear Kill-joy or It is everyone's desire to do it:

If it were possible, I believe a line would form for the honor of pushing her off the tower. I would be at the front of the line. However, she isn't the teacher's pet, most of us just try to shut her up.

Professor Snape (Hazel)

  
Dear Professor Snape (Hazel):

I am disappointed. Every Yule ball some of my colleagues destroyed my prized rose bushes. How can I stop it?

Depressed Plant Mother

Dear Depressed Plant Mother:

Baby Mandrake Plants.

Professor Snape (Hazel)

"That would work." Harry smirked.

Severus grinned at the idea of all the passed out students, maybe it would end the stupid ball.

  
Dear Professor Snape (Hazel):

Is it allow to kill to get rid of the competition to achieve a higher rank within a secret organization?

Signed,

Legally Blonde

  
Dear Legally Blonde or Why am I being plagued with Malfoys?

Draco, you finally got in, don't give someone a reason to kill you so soon. Trust me, stick with the job you have or you will end up like Wormtail. (Nagini is always willing to taste test.)

Professor Snape (Hazel)

  
Dear Professor Snape (Hazel):

My Husband is too obsessed with his peacocks. I fear he even tried to bed them. What can I do?

Signed,

Worried Noble Woman

  
Dear Worried Noble Woman:

That explains Draco.

Professor Snape (Hazel)

Harry started to giggle and used his napkin to cover his laughter.

  
Dear Professor Snape (Hazel):

It's not fair. There is this annoying boy-wonder who gets everything he wants. Even when he didn't deserve it. Now he has even managed to get the man, who should be rightfully mine My father always said, I deserve only the best.

Nothing has helped, the fashion-accident and his feline assistant aren't willing to help me at all. My aunt has promised to take care of the problem for me but warned me that another powerful man sees him as a ward. How can I get my property back, without the boy-wonder destroying everything.

My aunt would be more than willing to organize the necessary equipment to free my obsession from his influence.

Advice needed,

Infatuated Loverboy

Dear Moron named Draco Malfoy:

Go near Severus and I will end you. Your aunt already learned her lesson. Severus isn't your property, and if you keep it up I am sure my guardian will enjoy teaching you the error of your ways after I get finished with you if there are any pieces left.

Go after Weasley, either one, I am not fussy which one.

Hazel

PS I mean it Draco. If you don't believe me, mention it around a certain snake.

Severus looked at Harry. "You know, I can handle him."

"Freaking Malfoys." Harry muttered.

  
Dear Professor Snape (Hazel):

Is it allowed to use special herbs to relax, before entering important exams.

Nervous Herbologist.

Dear Mr. Longbottom:

Use that thing that is between your ears, it's called a brain, in case you weren't aware. What do you think? Honestly, has the standards of this school gone so downhill because of that candy-crazed moron that you would even ask that. Ten points from Gryffindor.

Professor Snape (Hazel)

Harry sighed. He looked at Neville, Neville grinned.

"That brat set me up." Severus stated.

"Go easy on him, think of it as payback for your comment regarding his parents."

"Fine, I will let him have that one."

  
Dear Professor Snape (Hazel):

Is it true that Salazar Slytherin has hidden more secrets in Hogwarts and how can we find them?

Signed,

Devoted Slytherins

Dear Slytherins who have a death wish:

Unless you know Parseltongue, don't go looking, or you will find a certain person upset with you.

Professor Snape (Hazel)


End file.
